a third year story.

the days before asher's birthday, i spent time scrolling through old photos on my blog and flikr and remembering and crying, of course. pictures are so powerful. pictures tell stories and the life and tales of this little boy, my asher, can be followed in pictures as well. i have so many memories of him that have been saved in this way.
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a tub surrounded by windows where he started making his way into this world, toes wrapped around an umbilical cord, a little mouse struggling to breathe and laying cozy in a warmer, those first days of breastfeeding in the nicu, a chubby baby just learning to stand and walk in the corn fields of indiana, throwing rocks at mountains,
jumping and jumping and jumping on beds.

those round light curls + blue eyes + soft baby fair skin.

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i put together some of my favorite pictures from asher's 3rd year to post here today:

to help tell the story of a little heart full of wonder + wild-boy love.
;)

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asher's birthday.

asher turns 3 today! i am a total wreck, i can't stand birthdays - i hate them, hate them, hate them!

is  that depressing or what? does anyone else out there hate birthdays??

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my computer was unexpectedly destroyed by coffee last week. ( i mean, duh it was unexpected, who plans these things? ) so, once again, my protection plan came into good use and i was able to get a new computer! it's all wacky right now and i need to adjust the colors and put some editing programs on. in the meanwhile, i'm just sharing a simple old school post of photos from my pregnancy with asher! putting these on here remind me of a different time of blogging. remember when blogging was a little more random, just sharing photos? less styled?

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maybe later i'll share some favorite photos of asher.

i can't believe he is 3! 3 is so grown up. when roman turned 3, i was already a couple months pregnant with asher. it seems like just days ago i was avoiding the hospital like a plague laboring with asher all over the place and now he is 3! ugh. so many thoughts, so many things.

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this morning we had yellow and white balloons all over the living room floor waiting for asher when he woke up since he has been telling us for months that he wants balloons for his birthday. he woke up and just danced around the room kicking the balloons everywhere with his long skinny little legs. he and roman played a little bit, then fought, naturally. i gave asher a haircut and lopped off some of his big wild curls. and now he is making pancakes with dad.

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later, we'll do presents and cupcakes and just hang out together;

celebrating our wild little sprite of a 3 year old boy.

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( positive pregnancy test. i took like 10. )

( my first belly photo )


( 20 weeks )


( a picture of both of my boys. )



( 35 weeks )


( 9 months. )

( due date! asher was born two days later. )
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also, some links:
lots of belly photos if you like that sorta thing + my very first blog post after asher was born!

random things for friday!

this week, i just haven't felt the push to finish up any posts of substance. 

so for now, a random post full of random things to share with you all:

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i'm finally trying to buy some sandals for my boys! i got a great deal on these for asher today at old navy (where i'm working now!) and i'm thinking about grabbing these for roman. i have such a hard time finding boys' sandals. i think that this style of sandal is just so ugly really but i want my boys to have shoes that protect their feet when they are playing! last summer, the boys had a rough time hiking in the mountains with flimsy sandals so i am trying to find something a little more durable. i really like keens but they are just too expensive! any suggestions on cute, quality, affordable boys sandals?

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speaking of clothing, i am happy that asher has branched out in what he will wear. during the winter, he would basically only wear two different pairs of sweatpants and two long sleeve shirts that he would rotate through. he had a very hard time adjusting to shorts this spring because he is very sensitive and particular. miraculously though, lately he has branched out and become less selective about what he wears! this makes things so much easier and honestly i enjoy it as well because i love dressing my little boys! he is still very picky and wears some ridiculous things, (currently he is wearing hiking boots two sizes too big) but i'm glad that it is less of a battle. 

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have any of you signed up with Moms Affiliate? it's a new referral marketing network designed just for mommy bloggers! there are different sections for bloggers to look through and sign up to write articles or advertise products on your blog. i recently signed up with them and have been periodically checking in to see what they are offering. if you are interested in making money from your blog, it's worth checking out!
(bonus: if you sign up i will get a cash incentive and you can too when you refer others!)

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i finally purchased american blogger and hope to watch it in the next few days! have any of you seen it? it's SO weird seeing some bloggers that i've followed forever, like melissa and bridget actually speaking!

( hey look rachael, i wrote about it on my blog! )

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we just finished parks and recreation on netflix and have moved onto watching finding bigfoot. at first i didn't think a show about hunting for bigfoot would interest me, but we are hooked! watching tv and eating junk food is what we do here every night when the boys are sleeping.

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i haven't been on instagram lately because i'm having trouble connecting my ipod to the internet! i've missed it but it's always nice to get a little break from some of my "electronics," as roman would say!
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i've started doing "fun friday" with the boys. i got this idea from a church moms' group that i went to with my friend. basically every friday i have a fun little surprise for the boys. this is way out of my comfort zone because it's one of those "pinteresty" kind of things that i never do but i think it will be fun and roman is super excited! last week i gave them bubbles and jump ropes to play with on the the 4th of july and today i have some really adorable inexpensive little camping themed toys for them which will make them crazy thrilled!
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well, that's all the randomness that i have for today. happy friday everyone!
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if you're feeling bored / generous feel free to vote for my blog!

( I used my affiliate links for FabKids and Moms Affiliate in this post.  )

photographing flowers.

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mostly, i enjoy photographing my children and the ideas for perfect photo shoots in my head usually involve a boy or two.
but photographing flowers can really be wonderful. they just sit there patiently while i click and click away. they are always agreeable and patient. they sit perfectly still while i put my aperture nice and wide
 and focus in on each petal as i please.
so yeah, every once in a while it's nice to find a field of daisies to spend some time with.
it's been done a million times over: making flowers into art that is,
but it really never gets old or goes out of style.
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it's freeing and refreshing. but of course, in the end i usually try to
  corral one of my little guys into the field as well. can you blame me??
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umbrella.

no words today, just a few photos that i like from a rainy day in indiana a couple weeks ago.
little boys under a big umbrella. :)

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this boy...

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i've been looking for a chance to share both of these photos so, here ya go.

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this boy.

he is the sweetest sort of sweet. he is the boy who at six years of age, still loves to talk about how he came into the world. how he was a winter baby and how he had "milkies" for three years and has the softest skin to prove it.

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even though i used to be a very touchy sort of mother and person in general, having a rather high needs toddler now leaves me feeling extremely touched out a lot of the time.

but this boy, is all about touch and love and every night on our walks he tries to hold my hand the whole time. sometimes i say that i want to take a little break from holding hands but when i do the "good mom" thing and hold his back, he tells me, 

"squeeze tighter, mom."

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i can hardly even talk about the piece of love that this one is without getting crazy, and i mean crazy, emotional.

it's out of control the sort of desperate love i have watching roman come into his own.

or rather just grow as the one he has always, always been...

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"i was made for love," he told me once.

these are the things that drive me to just plain crazy madness.

love is a dangerous thing.

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(p.s. thanks for your wonderful comments on my last post about motherhood. i love reading your comments so much!)
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friday thoughts on motherhood.

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     it's been a pretty busy week for us. my husband has been working up in the mountains at a different location this week. that means longer hours for him and jealousy of his awesome scenery on my part especially when he saw baby big horn sheep - ugh! also, i started a new job this week as well! we are feeling super thankful that things might start settling financially a little bit for us the rest of the summer. it's a good feeling for sure.

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     today, aaron will be at work and my plan is to take the boys to the park. we had been walking to the park pretty often in the beginning of spring but it's a bit far and i kind of stared losing the ambition. we usually go for a short walk while aaron's at work and every night we talk a long neighborhood walk as a family. i'm trying to step up my game though and strive to do a little more with the boys. currently in my life, i am just not that mom that religiously takes my kids to the library and park dates and splash pads etc. etc. i've never really been that mom and i don't think i really have to either but i also know that a small gesture such as taking my kids to the playground or for ice cream can feel like a big, fun event to them. 

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     this year has been stress on top of stress on top of tragedy for me and often i'm left kind of going though the motions and wondering, "what kind of mom am i?" i've always felt so convicted and passionate about the way that i intended to be as a mother. i have always been super laid back when it comes to routine and rules but at the same time super devoted to ideas of how my boys would be raised. right now i just feel sort of lost between still being drawn to the attached and natural ideals that i've always held to - homeschooling and organic foods, sleeping with my babies + breastfeeding my toddlers; but also feeling drained by outside circumstances in my life and figuring out that things like public school, tv shows and spaghetti o's can be a necessity and a life saver. 

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     this is certainly a struggle for my right now, one that often causes rapid feelings of confusion and even guilt. but thinking and writing through some of these thoughts, i'm left with the impression that as far as my children go; they really don't care about all of these "things" and "principals" and "ideals", all they really need and want is love. sure i'd like to feel like i'm doing the best always for my children. i'd like to say that they spend their days listening to classical music and having picnics by the stream. i'd like to know that i'm working hard on reading with roman and striving to figure out if asher has allergies. but really, as far as what "kind" of mom i am, right now i'm just being the mom that i can be. my kids are watching tv while i laze around this morning and shower and drink coffee. but later, we'll go to the park - and hopefully they will have a good day for their bank of childhood memories. today is just one day filled with promise for them and for me as well. perfection and ideals can be pushed aside until tomorrow.

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happy friday, guys. thanks for reading along. :)

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