( on our way to Chicago, 2010 )
.As some of you know, I lost my dad last spring. It's almost been 6 months ago. Half of a year feels almost substantial but to be honest it all still feels so raw and new; I still feel pretty separated from it. I know that there are steps to grief but for me it's been less about following logical steps and more about feelings that are just all over the place all of the time. And even though I've gone through periods or moments of healing, growing, anger, acceptance, learning or changing... to be honest I'm still mostly in shock and denial about it all at this point.
.
The end happened very quickly and it was a whirlwind that didn't seem real to me at all. I mean it happened really, really tragically fast. I traveled home to be with him but I didn't make it. I made decisions from afar, I watched things spiral out of our control. Thinking about that last week just still blows my mind. The timeline of it all is completely mind blowing to me and I can't wrap my head around it. I spoke to my dad on the phone 2 nights before he died and I can still hear him saying, "I'm doing a little better."
.
I don't feel like I have anything intelligent or introspective to say about losing my dad at this point. It's more like this big suitcase in my life has been shut and inside it are all of these swirling papers and lists and things upon things that I need to sort through and figure out. Instead of dealing with it I just sort of stuff it closed and cram it under my bed. Sometimes I get it out and do things like pick out a gravestone from photos that my sister sends me on Facebook. Sometimes I wear his bracelet and think about how I could donate my time someday to a cause in his honor. Always I hear his voice, see his face, feel his memories. But there is still a lot of stuff in that suitcase my friends, and I don't honestly know when I'll really be able to sit down and open it up.
.
My boys talk about my dad, "Poppy" a lot. Roman says things in that 6 year old way that are just absolutely the most beautiful things in the world. He remembers things about my dad that would make his Poppy full of happiness and pride. He remembers that, "Poppy always had things ready for us when we came for Christmas." He remembers the Easter decorations that were nicely set out when we went to his apartment after his death. It sounds silly but those details are so my dad; he cared about making things special. Asher looks in the sky and says "I miss Poppy. He's in the sky? I can't seeeee him. He has wings? He can fly?" I don't know that they will remember him at all. I always tell Roman to keep remembering, to keep remembering. I'm worried that he won't and it makes me cry big tears. It isn't fair. My dad was so good to my boys, I wish they could have and know him longer.
.
My constant dreams about my dad have settled down a bit. But I did have one the other night. In it I was telling my dad that he would always be alive to my sisters and I and that he didn't need to feel sad or fearful about leaving us because we would always, always be with him. I was literally chuckling a little, like, what's the big deal, nothing can separate us.
.
So yeah, I don't know, I really don't know anything at all. It does suck, all of it. It all just sucks. My sisters and I each have our theoretic suitcases full of things to sort through now as well as real life boxes upon boxes of things that we've inherited from our father as well. There will certainly be many years of sorting and sharing and pouring through them all in our future. There will be tears of joy and of course many tears of sadness. Hopefully we will continue to be able to share and grow together through the happiness and sorrow of it all. Hopefully it will connect us more and more through the years. We share this journey.
.
The grief process is rocky and the future of it all is uncertain to me. One thing that I do feel certain of is that feeling of truth from my dream; my dad will always, always be alive to my sisters and I. Inside I truly feel like no girls have ever loved their father more. One concrete feeling I've derived from this all is learning and seeing true, uninhibited love. It's the love I felt, the night my dad died, as we sat inside my mom's living room laughing and crying together. It's the love I felt when my grandpa said, "whatever you girls want," when we planned one last big celebration for our father. It's the love that we all poured into my dad in our own separate ways, in the ways that we were capable of, at the end. It's hard to explain but I guess there certainly is something beautiful about the heartache and desperate pain. Even though it's a terrible loss, there are moments - like when I look at the mountains and think about how much my dad would have loved them, it's moments like that make me feel something so very truthful and absolutely real. It makes me feel connected to my dad in a way that is almost closer than if he were right there in front of me... in those ways my dad lives on.
.
<3
.
"Loss" is the October writing prompt of The Mommy Blogger Collective.
.
A few words from Nicole --- Hi! I'm Nicole from Rose Runs Wild! I'm mama to a teenager, wife to my handsome husband and dog mama to our bulldog and pit bull. I work full time and blog in my free time. I love wearing black and white, plants, doughnuts, crappy pop music and working on our home we just recently bought! My blog is basic, it's just about our life. The good, the bad and the ugly. I try to share as honestly as I possibly can in hopes that one or two other people out there don't feel so alone. Life is rough, life is beautiful and it's all about connection through the highs and the lows. That's all I'm really trying to do, connect and share. And take lots of cute photos of my son (in the rare moment he lets me) and my dogs of course! Connect with Nicole here: 
A few words from Renée --- Oh Renée started as a creative outlet for me a few years ago, a happy place to share creative and fun projects or fashion. Since then, it has evolved into one of the best things I could ever have done with my time! The last few years of blogging have become much more personal to me- more of a way to document this life of mine, with my husband, with my little boy and with the world around me. I enjoy sharing glimpses into our days and sharing in other mom’s lives as well, as part of this wonderful world of social media. Being a mother is better than anything I could have expected! Truly. I call Ohio my home, I keep the joy of traveling and exploring new places close to my heart, i spend my evenings knitting and am never without a book in my hand or in my purse. My blog is much of the same! You can find me on Instagram at 
A few words from Christina --- At Mouse In Your House, I’m bringing you stories about 
A few words from Misty --- I'm Misty, the southern California blogger behind Momista Beginnings. I began this blog while pregnant with Mia over two years ago to create a space for mamas out there to connect with their inner "momista." According to me, a momista is a devout follower and lover of motherhood who takes her role to the next level. She uses her strengths to create the best childhood for her kids through activities, traditions, adventures, exploration and experiences. My blog aims to inspire all of this. Other bits of me make up my blog as well, like my passion for photography, art, crafts, my love for baking and cooking and family updates. I'm an ex art teacher of over 10 years and my art projects for kids make appearances from time to time, too. You can also find me on 
i took these photos last sunday, on a rainy day. we dropped aaron off at work in the rain and i spontaneously planned to hold a little photo shoot of both boys in their room wearing matching pajamas. they clean their room on sundays now, so it seemed like a perfect time. much to his brother's relief, asher decided to steal the show and so it turned into this. he would give me his best jumps and then run over to check the photos on the back of my camera. he was so impressed with himself and his "flying". i would give him a big smile and he would absolutely beam with pride. we had such a special, sweet time. i cannot stress enough how important these moments are to me: these are truly the photos that i live for. and yeah, i'm pretty impressed with him as well - these photos are awesome. 
A few words from Katie --- Hi! I'm Katie and I write a blog called 'Hello, Little Bean.' It's about life as a new mom to my cute daughter, Lark Story. I'm California born and raised, but currently live in Michigan with my soon-to-be husband, James and my soon-to-be stepson, Brennan, as well as our little Lark and two kitties. I'm a full-time graphic designer who loves all things artistic and creative. I'm overly sensitive and sentimental, sarcastic and foul-mouthed at times, a foodie and a reality tv junkie who's completely and utterly in love with motherhood. You can also find me on 