it's been a pretty busy week for us. my husband has been working up in the mountains at a different location this week. that means longer hours for him and jealousy of his awesome scenery on my part especially when he saw baby big horn sheep - ugh! also, i started a new job this week as well! we are feeling super thankful that things might start settling financially a little bit for us the rest of the summer. it's a good feeling for sure.
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today, aaron will be at work and my plan is to take the boys to the park. we had been walking to the park pretty often in the beginning of spring but it's a bit far and i kind of stared losing the ambition. we usually go for a short walk while aaron's at work and every night we talk a long neighborhood walk as a family. i'm trying to step up my game though and strive to do a little more with the boys. currently in my life, i am just not that mom that religiously takes my kids to the library and park dates and splash pads etc. etc. i've never really been that mom and i don't think i really have to either but i also know that a small gesture such as taking my kids to the playground or for ice cream can feel like a big, fun event to them.
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this year has been stress on top of stress on top of tragedy for me and often i'm left kind of going though the motions and wondering, "what kind of mom am i?" i've always felt so convicted and passionate about the way that i intended to be as a mother. i have always been super laid back when it comes to routine and rules but at the same time super devoted to ideas of how my boys would be raised. right now i just feel sort of lost between still being drawn to the attached and natural ideals that i've always held to - homeschooling and organic foods, sleeping with my babies + breastfeeding my toddlers; but also feeling drained by outside circumstances in my life and figuring out that things like public school, tv shows and spaghetti o's can be a necessity and a life saver.
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this is certainly a struggle for my right now, one that often causes rapid feelings of confusion and even guilt. but thinking and writing through some of these thoughts, i'm left with the impression that as far as my children go; they really don't care about all of these "things" and "principals" and "ideals", all they really need and want is love. sure i'd like to feel like i'm doing the best always for my children. i'd like to say that they spend their days listening to classical music and having picnics by the stream. i'd like to know that i'm working hard on reading with roman and striving to figure out if asher has allergies. but really, as far as what "kind" of mom i am, right now i'm just being the mom that i can be. my kids are watching tv while i laze around this morning and shower and drink coffee. but later, we'll go to the park - and hopefully they will have a good day for their bank of childhood memories. today is just one day filled with promise for them and for me as well. perfection and ideals can be pushed aside until tomorrow.
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happy friday, guys. thanks for reading along. :)
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