flyer.

     warmer days recently have given the boys and i the chance to walk to the park a couple of times while aaron was at work. the nearest playground is not super close but it's a perfect walk and a perfect chance to breathe the fresh air, get some exercise and spend time together. i have two little boys always grabbing at my hands and chitter-chattering away. i love the moments when they are both separately yapping about whatever it is they need to tell me and all the while i can't hear a word because they are talking at once. those moments make me smile.

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     we play at the small playground and they are both finally at the age where they can climb and run without my immediate assistance. which is so nice. i can sit in the grass and soak up the sunshine. and on the walk home there are always mountains to lead us back.

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     the day that i took these photos of asher swinging, i was relaxing while the boys played. asher was coming towards me and inside my laziness was hoping that he wouldn't want to swing again. when he reached me he said, "i wanna flyyyyyy," to insinuate that he did indeed want to swing.

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     and really, how could i say no to that?

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to see some photos that i adore of asher swinging at eleven months old click here :)

toddler things.

one of the beautiful parts of roman attending kindergarten has been the wonderful, and quieter, mornings alone with our littlest.

it is amazing the difference in his personality when roman is not here.

truly, amazing.

don't get me wrong - kindergarten hasn't just been a quick fix to asher's high needs.

but it has given us all a couple of hours to breathe and relax.

for many reasons, asher just tones way down when roman is not around.

i am so thankful because this precious little toddler stage that asher is in currently is one of my
 all-time favorites.

in my mind roman is kind of frozen at the 2 year old stage.

he ran around in these same little fleece pants and chose from the same shirts that asher now
"pickles" (picks) from each day.

i am so glad that i get a chance to notice and appreciate asher at this magical stage as well.

his thoughts and vocabulary are just exploding right now.

a mini grownup.

still my baby but about to turn three this summer.

i can't even believe it.
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(recent photos of some special asher moments)

still always sleeping with mama

baby // hands in my hair

playing cows // painted little toenails

 

napping - family bed style // mornings

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portraits of asher / 31 months.

i love this boy + these pictures.

he radiates joy and appears so wild and free here. which is exactly how he felt in these moments:

frantically climbing from rock to rock, mountains as far as the eyes can see, happily running and breathing in the fresh air while slyly posing and looking to the side for his mama who loves to take
his pictures.

looking at these photos, i feel once again the peace and quiet and happiness of the moments in when i took them.

just a little glimpse of time,

saved.

thoughts on sleep.

our current sleeping situation consists of a full sized bed and a twin sized bed pushed together to make one sort of mega-bed in our room. and yes, we all sleep there together.
roman and asher do have a bed in their room. it exists, but pretty much solely serves to house a surprisingly large collection of stuffed animals. roman has fallen asleep in his own bed for periods of time in his life. but right now, it's all of us, all together, all night, every night: family bed style.
.
yesterday, i was telling roman how i think that he and his brother must have little magnets inside their bodies that pull them towards me every night. i'm always scooting someone over or pushing a leg off of my back. these little boys make their rounds all over the bed, and all over us, every night.
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sometimes it can be frustrating, but talking to roman about their little "magnets" and seeing him smile that sweet-still-a-little-boy smile, made it worth it in that moment.
.
 i have so many sweet nighttime memories with my boys and i've felt thankful to be able to love on them all night long for so many years. one favorite memory pressed tight into my heart is of roman when he was less than a year old and nursing for the millionth time in the night. for whatever reason, i just felt so grateful and alive and i stared into his round, moon glowing face, feeling happy and so in love. i still remember perfectly how that face looked, and i still remember that special small moment that i pulled into my heart and savored, many years ago during one random night.
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 co-sleeping, or "bed-sharing" is definitely not for everyone, and frankly sometimes it's not for me either. in fact, i am really struggling right now with asher's sleeping situation, and yeah - it would probably be much better if he didn't spend each and every night right next to me. i'm not one to say never or forever, so maybe one day i soon i'll ship these boys out to their own beds; or maybe they'll stay and stay.
.
so no, it's not always perfect and my decisions are hardly the best or greatest parenting decisions of all time. this is not a co-sleeping public service announcement.
but it is what we chose for our family thus far and right now i'm just mulling it over in my mind.
right now, i treasure these sweet, soft little angels in my bed.
and when I push their warm sleepy bodies aside, trying to find a little bit of space for myself,
i'm at least thankful that they are still there to find me :)
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pictures of cows.

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we were driving around the reservoir over the weekend, looking for new spots. and first of all, let me just say that i was so dang happy to get a picture of those cows. i have been thinking about taking pictures of cows for years. no really, i'm not just saying that.
many times as i drove home to our house in indiana, i would look at all of the cows that i passed and think about taking photos of them. indiana is full of so much pretty scenery: old barns, endless soybean and corn fields, pretty hazy sunsets and wildflowers. and there are so many cows. they truly became my favorite animal when we lived out there.
but i never took the moment to get the pictures that i wanted. i'm really bad about that; just stopping and getting out of the car to take a photograph. i'm too lazy i suppose.
and frankly, it never seems worth it.
.

but this day. the other day, when i saw these black cows grazing in the hills like this, i finally had aaron pull over the car and i rolled down the window and i got it. it was just too, too perfect. because if there is anything better than cows grazing in the fields of indiana, it is certainly cows in the mountains. hands down.
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asher was stressing out in the backseat and roman was yelling at me and i had one of those mother-fail moments where i snapped for a moment.
and i just told everyone in the family to get used to it.
.
sometimes i'm going to hang out the window when it's 20 degrees out to take a picture of the creek by the mountains. and sometimes i'm going to ask aaron to turn the car around so that i can get a picture of the orange and aqua sunset even though everyone is tired and wants to get home. in times like these, little boys are sure to squeal at me from the backseat.
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but gosh darn it, sometimes i'm going to pull over the car and take a picture of some cows.

and it's going to make me very happy.

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oh, and my family is cute too. they forgave me and then i snuck in some pictures of them as well ;)

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happy thoughts.

just some happy things lately:

(( photos from instagram ))

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mountains, duh.

i pretty much died when i saw this view the other day: perfect, perfect sunny-blue-sky-day reflecting into the water. amazing in person.

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more colorado. if you don't live here yet - move here now.

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sunshine. :)

and may i note, this little boy is the most intense bath-taker out there. he really goes for it.

and a soaking wet bathroom is the aftermath.

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wyoming road trip // denver road trip.

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roman and i went for a photography + target date the other night, and he was his usual sickly-sweet-with love self.  // "i follow the leader" train in cheyenne

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mama + baby love // my favorite horse pasture

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winter everywhere.

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(( follow me on instagram here! ))

enough.

i wish i could be your perfect mommy. i wish i could let you climb the washer and run with a spoon in your mouth. i wish i didn't mind when you kick my neck to wake me up in the mornings. i wish you could color on the walls and i wish i could tip you upside down over and over and over for hours on end and treasure your joyful toothy giggle.

i wish i could be perfect for you. i wish that when you cry and whine at my feet and pull on my legs as i'm doing dishes, i wish that instead of feeling frustrated, i would always stop first and come down to you. because all you wanted anyway was to hug me slowly and softly in the afternoon light.

i wish i could be perfect, better, more. but all i am is me, YOUR mama.

and i hope that is enough.

my baby leggings post on spearmint baby this week :)

seven years.

 (march 17, 2006 on the way to our wedding reception)

i'm so proud of my husband.
i'm proud that as a teenager he showed me what it meant to love and to be loved. i'm proud that he furthered my heart's desire to live a Godly life and that he taught me how to pray out loud.

i'm proud that at 18, he worked at a bagel shop to save up for our future and bought me a pretty old fashioned engagement ring. i'm proud that he drove an hour to and from work to support me through a horribly difficult pregnancy that brought us to our first son roman. i'm proud that he remembered all the instructions from the lactation consultant when i was too extremely exhausted to hear or follow directions after roman’s birth. i'm proud that he has diligently worked at jobs he doesn't love to support our family. i'm proud that he fixed the birthing pool and encouraged and loved me through the childbirth of my dreams to bring us asher. i'm proud that he is a sensitive and compassionate husband to our boys. i'm proud that he has reached for dreams of a better future for us all and that he hasn't given up even though it’s been hard.

there are so many things that i love about aaron. i am teary and full thinking what God has given me. there are many things that are not perfect and not wonderful about my life. but aaron is such a blessing. to think that amidst every barrier in my life, God gave me what my heart wanted more than anything - to get married young, to be a mother, to love Jesus - it just blows me away. sometimes i feel so different than everyone around me, like i am doing things so alternatively and following such a different path, but aaron always gets me. he always has. maybe nothing i am saying makes any sense, but i have to get a little bit of it out anyway while it's on my mind.
seven years ago today i married my best friend. i love you aaron, thank you for loving me always, for your endless prayers and endless back rubs, for sharing all things simple and wonderful with me. forever and always ;)

happy friday.

(november 2012)

i love this photo where roman popped in front of my lens while i was trying to take pictures of asher.

goodness they grow too fast! their nice haircuts here may be part of it!

today is lazy and whiny so far.

asher has thrown a can of pop which exploded on the floor,

taken his diaper off and peed on the floor,

and then decided to eat his lunch off the floor.

my poor carpets - please don't tell the landlord...

happy friday!!

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snow.

i think i may be officially ready for warm weather. so that i can actually WANT to leave my house. and so that these boys can run around in the sunshine everyday... but i was happy when it snowed yesterday and i got a chance to spend a few minutes outside with asher, capturing him as he enjoyed the magic of snow.

happily dancing in the quiet snowflakes. 

with his two different too-small shoes that he picked out all by himself.

 chasing his birdy friends. 

just being wonderfully one.

broken arm.

we are so proud of our roman who got his second cast off yesterday. his poor arm was super sore and he could hardly move it all day. for some reason, i wasn't expecting that. i kind of thought they would take the cast off and he would just be running around doing handstands immediately. but of course, that makes no sense :) so we watched movies all day yesterday, and i hugged and rubbed and kissed his weak little arm.

roman is so brave. he told me that he loved the part where they sawed his cast off and he wanted to "put his cast back on so they could saw it off again!" you could tell he was waiting for me to tell him how brave he is after he told me that. this is the boy who "loves shots," he declared after receiving an iv in the hospital last spring when he had a virus in his leg. he had another iv when he broke his arm this time, and sure enough he still "loves shots"! when he was two and had surgery and was in that scary metallic operating room with strange doctors and nurses all around him and had to breathe in the anesthesia i was a nervous wreck. but not roman. he was totally focused and followed the doctors instructions to breathe deep. he is just amazing with medical things and always impresses everyone at the hospital.

it's so funny to see these little people God makes and puts in our lives. they are each so unique. i'm so proud of our little roman. we are so thankful that he was able to avoid surgery and that his arm has healed as well as could be hoped for! and since he is already broken his arm two times in five years - here's to hoping this was the last!

happy friday.

today has been

daddy sleeping in after working all night, then getting up + going back to work,

pbs kids + a long baby nap,

tidying + cleaning up broken glass,

eating sweet potato fries while brothers fight in the bath,

a load of laundry in a broken washer, 

and nursing in the 4 o'clock sunshine.

thankful that the worst of the week is over.
and thankful that the worst really wasn't that bad after all ;)

happy friday to you all!

my spearmint baby post this week ;)

nineteen months.

nineteen months.

oh my.

facing the reality that nineteen months has passed since asher's birth is simply unreal. just a moment ago i was folding tiny newborn gowns + reading spiritual midwifery in the sunshine on the back porch, preparing for a new little life. and now, over a year and a half later - our asher is almost a little boy. pushing his chair up to the sink so that he can grab my yesterday's coffee that sits inside. taking liberties to take his own diaper off when it's time for a change, singing the "mama" song that he composed himself, counting to three in his own little way. closer to two than one.

when the days were slower and asher was itty bitty, i often used to talk to him at night as he nursed to sleep about when he came into my life. i'd pet and kiss his sweet little head and apologize for not being there during that first week when he stayed in the nicu.  one of his doctor's told me during that week, that soon asher would be home and healthy and the time in the nicu would seem distant and brief. in a way that is not true to me. it’s true that one week is a short amount of time, but that was OUR first week. there is something so wrong about a mother and baby being separated at birth. even though i was able to spend much time with him, provide all of his milk for him, and was lucky that his stay was so short - there are still moments that we were robbed from. sometimes now at bedtime, i still go back to the beginning. i tell asher how much he means to me. nineteen months later i am still thankful that God answered my prayers and healed asher. that first week was hard, but for every first moment that was lost, i've now had nineteen months of asher in my arms each and every night to make up for it. and for that i will always be grateful.

Asher at eighteen months.