by gillian claire: motherhood

SOCIAL MEDIA

11.25.2013

listen closely.

2R6A6364 (3)
2R6A6365 (2)2R6A6365<2R6A6363-2 (2)2R6A6345-2 (2)2R6A6354-2 (2) "let your heart guide you. it whispers, so listen closely."
- the land before time
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i love these photos that aaron took of asher and me. this was during my frantic "trying to fix my camera" phase. honestly i don't even know what went wrong here but these photos are super grainy and technically wacky. i seriously love them in spite of that though and kind of because of that.
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they aren't "perfect", but they are, ya know?
8.05.2013

world breastfeeding week + why i don't find judgement "natural"

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( just a couple recent favorite photos of me + my current and former nurslings )
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i’m having a lot of conflicting feelings this year during world breastfeeding week. i feel like it might be safe to say that i am as or more passionate about breastfeeding as anyone. i have been breastfeeding for the past 5 years of my life which isn’t much to some people but to most people i’d say it is. that’s a lot of breastfeeding.
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breastfeeding is something that has become such a way of life for me. personally, i always knew i would breastfeed. and now, i  feel like maybe i have a million different breastfeeding topics that i could expand upon such as the many benefits of breastfeeding, my journey and struggles breastfeeding a tongue tied baby, my experience with extended breastfeeding, breastfeeding a second time around, breastfeeding + the nicu, breastfeeding + co-sleeping… and so-on and so-forth.
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breastfeeding is something that i am passionate about. that i love. that is part of me. that is part of my children. but, this year breastfeeding is bringing up a lot of of other feelings for me and one of those is the feeling of exclusion.
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in my life, i have definitely felt a lot of “exclusion” from other people when it comes to my beliefs and parenting practices. and heck, also my lifestyle in general. the list includes: getting married young, having babies young, breastfeeding, breastfeeding (albeit modestly) in public (GASP), breastfeeding my toddlers (FAINT),  sleeping with my babies, sleeping with my toddlers, delayed vaccinations/opting out of vaccinations, homeschooling, etc. sometimes this bothers me a lot. it bothers me that people feel that they can say whatever they want to say to me about my choices when i haven't said anything to them. this really bothers me in any situation. i cannot imagine opening my mouth and judging someone so openly. so harshly. i’m sure all mothers can relate to me here.  there is just something about becoming a mother that opens you up to this world of everyone telling you what to do and most importantly what you are doing wrong. I will never understand this. never, never  - never.
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and then there is the exclusion on the other side. i attended a breastfeeding event recently in my new town which is where this observation really stood out to me. one part of me was very happy to be attending this event. it was something special that i had planned to do with my littlest son. it was fun to be around a lot of people who shared in my beliefs and to be in a place where i did not have to feel excluded. however, it also made me feel uneasy. it made me feel uneasy to be in a place where women who don’t breastfeed or can’t breastfeed wouldn’t feel welcome.  a place where you would feel guilty if you planned a natural childbirth but ended up with a c-section. a place where you might want to run and hide before whipping out the disposable diapers from your bag when all the other babies were wearing cloth.
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i know that we “hippie” moms like to think of ourselves as being so “natural”. i am pretty obsessed with the word natural come to think of it. but i never want judgement to come "naturally" to me either. that's when i know something is wrong with the way i'm viewing motherhood.
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obviously,  i am passionate about breastfeeding and i believe that “breast milk is best". i would love to inspire other women and help them to be able to feel that they too can choose breastfeeding for their families. however, i do not believe it is the end all. i do not believe that i am the best mother. not at all. i have so many limitations and weaknesses as a mother.
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i guess what i'm trying to say, is that even though people have definitely made me feel excluded because of my parenting choices, i never want to make someone else feel that way. i’m so thankful that i have been able to connect with mothers out there who are doing things all different ways and i’m thankful that they have felt that they could connect with me as well. each one of these mothers i admire for different reasons. i am thankful for their kind comments to me, and i am thankful that they have never made me feel excluded. let’s all please continue to be friends and build each other up. that is what i want most of all.
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i have a lot of work to do to become more of the person that i want to be and of course i'm not sure what the answer is. i'm not saying that the event i attended was a "bad thing" or that i will never attend an event like that again. these are just the thoughts that are accompanying my mind as i celebrating nursing and what it has meant for my babies and myself.
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we all have a different story as it relates to feeding our babies. for me, it has been exclusive breastfeeding at birth and extended breastfeeding against societal norms for both of my boys. there have been great joys and also struggles. this year, during world breastfeeding week,  i would love to hear what role breastfeeding has played in your life, if any, and what it has meant for you :)
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(asher, breastfeeding, november 2012)
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7.30.2013

foothill hikes + time with my littlest.

IMG_3718IMG_3720IMG_3730(photo of asher and i taken by a girl who offered to take our photo as she was running by!)
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the other day, in hopes of getting some nice photos of asher, i packed him up for a little hike in the foothills by our house.
it's amazing how peaceful and quiet it was there, just he and i.

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away from his brother and out in nature where this boy belongs,
he was calm and gentle and quiet as a mouse.
he stopped to notice all the bike riders and all the runners (rummm! he says)
and stopped to notice each tiny ant on the ground.
and of course, he carefully selected rocks to throw into the brush.
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watching my sensitive and passionate newly two year old stop to do all his baby-turning-boy things,
 i stopped to remember in my heart the great love that i have for this soft, wonderful, darling second baby of mine.
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as we headed back, he pressed his body against mine as i carried him, and we silently enjoyed our last drops of peace and beauty and wonder together. 
tucking it somewhere in our hearts, 
to keep.
before heading back to the chaos and noise 
that is our everyday normal around here. ;)
asherblog1IMG_3678asherblog2IMG_3663IMG_3645 We Are A Top Baby Blog
7.09.2013

gifts.

IMG_2454IMG_2453i love photos like these - little hands holding little things.
tiny fingers touching a pinecone, trying to say a new word and then offering it to mama.
it's more than just that - it's discovery and the newness of life.
it's magic, these little things.
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last night, as i put asher to sleep, we just savored the moment together, face to face, looking into each other's eyes. asher would take a moment here and there to silently wave, and point and give a thumbs up - never breaking our gaze. i brushed his face softly with my fingers until his eyes gently closed. 
magical moments like these are such gifts to me.
where everything else becomes background noise, and all i can see and feel is love for these little boys.
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sometimes the magic feels like too much and weighs too heavy on my heart, simply because i want so badly to save it forever. i want two little boys falling asleep with me; one waving and saying, "hi mama!" in his pip-squeeky voice and the other drifting off behind me with legs and arms tangled up around me
 in the best ever hug.
these are the moments where i'm so blissed out, it's like this is IT.
 this is life. wonder. beauty. 
in the everyday, sometimes it is hard to tap into this feeling, this life magic.
but i hope that i will never stop trying to slow down and savor this beautiful life.
that right now looks something like two little boys running down the pavement
 to meet their mama after an evening run;
smiling faces, happy squeals, mountains in the background,
hearts full - all of us.
such a gift.
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5.22.2013

lessons in motherhood.

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i always hear that saying about new moms "coming out of the newborn fog." i never felt too bad adjusting to my newborns. i mean yeah sure birth is exhausting but breastfeeding and being up all night and changing diapers feels natural to me and everything newborn is just intoxicating and wonderful and gives me a sort of newborn high. but there is this other fog that i always feel myself trying to pull out of and it is related to my littlest: asher. 
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asher who is full, full, full of energy and passion and love. who was the happiest little birdy of a newborn who just smiled away in his little rocking bed while i homeschooled roman or sucked cheerfully on my arm in the sling. and then as he became more baby and less newborn, he became more and more work. fussy fussy fussy for many hours. and yet also a happy, jolly, chubby elf of a boy with the roundest face and goofiest little smile i ever saw. and now, he is that same happy happy baby - tearing off after birds in the yard, reciting his family's names all in a row ( mama, dada, mono - yaaaay!) and hopping in the stroller full of excitement for a chance to sit back while we walk and point out all the things he knows and loves in the world. This boy is so, so full of passion. he loves with this passion as well and gives us the deepest most sincere hugs complete with gentle pats on the back and cooing. he sings and kisses and loves with reckless abandon.
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and he is also wild as can be. i cannot even describe the amount of energy he pulls from me in the day to day. he is a tiny destroyer, a fighter and a wild animal all wrapped into one. it has been such a learning process and a huge life lesson to me. roman was so calm. i'm not saying that I've never had struggles or issues with roman,  but it was on a much calmer scale. roman painted this picture of my expectation of motherhood for me - taking my boys to target while they sat happily in the cart looking at a toy together while i shopped, going to panera and sipping my caramel coffee across from two polite brothers calmly eating their macaroni and cheese. relaxing outside on a blanket while the boys meandered the yard while staying within view.  this was the way i mothered roman and i expected it to repeat with asher. 
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one thing that i'm learning is that motherhood isn't about me. it isn't something that is always easy or always what we expect. it is about sacrifice and self giving and it is about growth and lessons and love. i am so blessed to have ash. he is so totally unique and sometimes i wonder if there is anyone on earth quite like him. of course there isn't. every baby is new and wonderful and uniquely themselves. it is so fun to see these two beautiful souls that God gave me. i still have so much to learn. i still have so much of myself that needs to be shaken and rocked and adjusted. i still need so much more God and so much less me in my heart and mind. one challenge for me right now is mustering up the constant energy to handle asher's wild wild and crazy side. 
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but sometimes, moments happens like tonight - when we went to kroger, and the boys pushed the little kids cart together and helped pick out and load up tea and fruit and snacks, and roman stacked things up on the self checkout for me while i scanned, balancing ash on my hip, and we all pushed the cart to the car together, and it's moments like that that i feel the fog lifting, if only for a moment. :)
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                                                                                       bloglogoloveAgain
5.08.2013

thoughts on childbirth.

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i took these photos and wrote these words near asher’s first birthday. they have sat on my computer since then, but i love them and want to share, almost a year later ;)
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of course we mothers all say it and it is true now for me as well: i can’t believe a year has passed. it’s so funny and amazing for me to look back upon my life at all the separate seasons that i’ve gone through. roman’s birth changed me in a million ways. going through childbirth for the first time was fascinating and life altering. i remember for the longest time i would just think back to his birth in wonder.
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having roman introduced me to a million ideas and interests that i never knew i’d have. i literally fell in love with breastfeeding. i fell in love with the family bed. i became enamored with baby wearing. and then my interest in natural childbirth was born. there are really several reasons that I became interested in natural childbirth. 1. i found out during roman’s birth that i have scoliosis which apparently made it difficult for me to correctly receive the epidural. related to that, i had a tough recovery from his birth and i hoped to just avoid both of those problems right off the bat. 2. roman’s birth was a textbook picture perfect birth. my ob even thanked me for such a great birth. i remember feeling like God would bless me with a lovely birth because my pregnancy was absolutely horrifying. 3. the challenge. and 4. i purely just totally head over heels fell in love with the idea of natural childbirth.
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natural childbirth in the end doesn’t change a thing. birth is birth and motherhood is what truly matters. but for me, i just wanted it so much. i don’t know how else to explain it. it was just a natural extension of all the things that make my heartbeat. i read anything i could get my hands on about birth. i planned and hoped and dreamed. i struggle intensely with fear, so of course I was terrified of natural childbirth. but i was also obsessed. thinking about pulling my baby out of the water and into my arms and feeling that euphoria of doing it my own way just made me feel real.
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and after laboring all through the evening, night and morning at home, laboring in the car on the hour long country drive, laboring at wendy’s and laboring at the hospital for about four hours, i really did it. it was different than what i had read. it was perfect in a lot of ways. except the pain of course. does that even make sense? no, no of course it doesn’t. but birth really doesn’t make any sense at all. in whatever context you give birth, it is magical and wonderful and horrible and painful and blissful and perfect all wrapped into one. it doesn’t make sense and yet it makes more sense than anything in the world. i think that is why i love it so much. i guess i felt like by doing it natural, maybe i could get closer to it. and maybe, just maybe, by touching birth, i could hold onto its magic a little longer, and carry it with me a little stronger in my soul. oh there are literally a hundred things I could say about natural childbirth. i am so totally passionate about it.
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alas, here i am over a year later. my thoughts about my birth with asher are a tangled web of different things. I have so many words and raw tender feelings. in the end, my birth was completely and utterly intervention free and it was amazing and went beautifully. it was a fleeting moment in my life. it doesn’t make me a better mother or a better person. at all. but it is part of my story. it is a dream and a hope fulfilled. which is also the way I would describe asher’s presence in my life. 
5.06.2013

my birthday.

IMG_1744-2IMG_1753IMG_1755(may 5, 2013)
roman and i in our dandelion field on my birthday. 
dandelions are my favorite flower. i love them and will never understand america and our perfectly manicured lawns + chemicals and such. roman and i saw a yard near our house filled with dandelions and he decided that it was our dream.
so we spend time out in our own little "dandelion field" and we blow all the "wishing flowers" while sending up prayers to heaven and hoping every morning that new weeds will be born. 
i'd say that our wish is coming along nicely. 
and when i asked roman what he prayed for, he told me that he prayed he would go to heaven and see jesus.
so i reckon that boy is coming along right nicely as well ;)
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i can't say that i've grown much wiser in this past year, but these are the wonderful moments that i am thankful for;
a refuge full of dandelions for me to lay in, and four tiny hands to pick them for me :)
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i adore this photo that aaron got of ash ;)
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3.19.2013

enough.

19 monthsi wish i could be your perfect mommy. i wish i could let you climb the washer and run with a spoon in your mouth. i wish i didn't mind when you kick my neck to wake me up in the mornings. i wish you could color on the walls and i wish i could tip you upside down over and over and over for hours on end and treasure your joyful toothy giggle.

i wish i could be perfect for you. i wish that when you cry and whine at my feet and pull on my legs as i'm doing dishes, i wish that instead of feeling frustrated, i would always stop first and come down to you. because all you wanted anyway was to hug me slowly and softly in the afternoon light.


i wish i could be perfect, better, more. but all i am is me, YOUR mama.
and i hope that is enough.


19 months19 months19 monthsmy baby leggings post on spearmint baby this week :)
1.28.2013

five.

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well with all these updates on little ash, i  have to include an update on roman who turned FIVE over a month ago. it about broke my heart, but now that i've settled into it - five is pretty much the most perfect thing i can think of. roman is growing up so much but he is still such a little boy who needs his mom + dad so so much and thrives on being with his family and being at home. i'm so happy that he is still little and i'm so lucky to spend all day every day listening to his sweetness all around me. sigh. i absolutely adore this boy and everything about him.

he wasn't really into photos this day but i had to try because i absolutely love that hat and his little colorful skinny jeans that he always wears. he went through a phase of wearing that hat everyday all day.

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1.21.2013

fifteen months.

15 months.15 months.
asher actually turns 18 months old tomorrow, however i really wanted to share these 15 month photos from the fall before it's way too late :)

dear asher,
                i'm sorry that i get so frustrated when you kick + kick + kick my face, grab, scream, whine, destroy and get into everything. you have a strength about you that just tests my selfishness almost every day. but there is also a poetry about you that is a gift to my soul. the way you twirl  and twirl and twirl my hair, the way you lay your head on my chest and sing with me, the way you've always given such genuine kisses + hugs since you were only months old. tonight in the bath amidst a dreary weary day, we heard "rainbow connection" come on from the muppets movie playing in the living room and we sang and danced and smiled and hugged - all in slow silky motion. your special darling smile, your warm baby butter body melting into my arms. those are the moments that make me want to scream with joy. thank you my asher, for bringing me new life each day.

love ,mama

 (taken from my journal when asher was about 14 months old)

p.s. i'm SO excited to now be writing on the spearmint baby website!
read my first post from today here :)

15 months.

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